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My worth...

Not sure what to say.  All I can feel in my heart is hurt, disappointment with a touch of anger and a lot of frustration.  Perhaps I should not write on here what happened today, but I need to let it out some way or another...

Today, I found out my worth, as it seems, it is not a lot.
Yes, I had been away sick for many days, which is one of the reasons I can comprehend.  But for me, given those issues, I feel I have done my best and given it my all in every possible way.  In many ways, I feel I had exchange my health for something which at the end was worthless.  After today's event, it seems to be not worthwhile and somehow, made a fool of me and my hard work which I put in.

Yes, numbers are important, but whatever happened to the acknowledgement of the things that happened to me and hours which I worked tirelessly?  I guess because that cannot be measured, then I am at a lost.

So, the question is, did I put in all my time, health and effort for nothing?  It seems that way...



Maybe I am playing this game wrongly, maybe I had been mis-informed, maybe I mis-understood something, or simply, I may have been cheated of my health and hard work which I know I have put in to get this far.

Whatever the reason, this set back is one which I cannot get over just yet...but I have to...get over it, because I worked too damn long and hard to get where I am today.

Perhaps I need to find a new direction, or new people to work with, change of environment, I don't know.  So many questions and thoughts in my head right now...so hard to focus on what is important anymore.

Such a heavy blow to the heart, mind and dignity...this will be more difficult to recover than the back operation I just had...

But, I have worked too damn hard to make it this far...work too hard to give it all up...there's got to be a better way...

For now, all my remaining happiness has in fact, been drained away...I wonder when it can be full again?

We shall see...

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